March 10 2021

Today I got an email from a grief support group from the funeral home we used for my grandpa and it asked me to draw a picture of what grief looked like to me.  Two images came to my mind of my grandfathers grave.  One was of his headstone turned over upside down representing how my world feels upside down and lost right now and the other image was of his freshley dug grave.  My grief feels fresh and raw just like the earth dug up for his grave.  It covered by the dirt but just barely and definitely not all the way.  Rose petals remained around his grave peeking out from the ugly raw dirt.  Beutiful memories protruding through the ugly pain of loss.  

Today I got a phone call from one of his doctors offices looking for him and I called them back and said he died , he's dead.  Those words keep ringing through my head.  Dead, he is dead, he is really dead .  Gone and I can never see him on this earth again.  

This is so hard because I am now essentially an orphan and he was the last of my family that I could count on no matter what.  He was always there whenever I called or needed him no matter what and now I don't have that.  He's dead.  Gone.  Not here.  Gone.  Waves of sadness creep over me and my chest physically hurts from the loss.  Full of sorrow and despair.  Hoping for the pain to ease I know it won't go away as this isn't my first journey with grief.  It is gut wrenching and I have now been through it 4 times.  Once at 5, 12, 19 and 43.  Each time different but each time same gut wrenching sorrow.